Oh Mother's Day...
On the celebration that comes with pressure and anxiety
For me, it starts with the commercials.
The heart-shaped jewelry. The mom looking surprised and delighted by something wrapped in a bow.
Not just because I’ve decluttered so many mother’s day gifts with clients that felt more like an emotional burden. I’ve also heard the complicated celebrations with those who has traumatic relationships with their moms and mother-in-laws.
For me, it’s also the fact that my birthday falls on or right around Mother’s Day.
As for my birthday, I started planning my own party since the 3rd grade. I enjoyed every bit of hosting. I loved the decorating, the planning of activities, and making sure my guests had a great time. The gifts I got were secondary to creating an event that made people feel special.
And even after becoming a mom, Mother’s Day was focused on hosting my mom and mother-in-law. I never really stopped to think about how I wanted to feel on a day I was a part of as well.
Growing up with an uneasy relationship with my mom meant that, rather than doubling up on the celebration, I mostly feared not meeting her expectations to “prove my love”.
And when we moved away and my children got older, a new kind of anxiety crept in.
Now with only myself under the spotlight, a low hum of pressure started building in the weeks leading up to the one weekend that — according to every ad — I deserve.
I’d bounce back and forth.
Do I ask for something? Do I wait and hope?
If I ask, does that make it less genuine? If I don’t ask, do I end up disappointed and pretend I’m not?
And underneath all of it — a quieter question.
What do I even want?
I enjoy seeing fresh flowers, but not the maintenance that follows. Jewelry or designer gifts have never been my thing. Chocolate makes my eczema flare up. The typical Mother’s Day gift ideas never felt right.
When I stopped hosting, our little family of four would go get brunch or my husband would get us really good bagels and lox and set up a spread at home. And I don’t want to come off sounding ungrateful because I do enjoy that very much, but
I wanted more.
I wanted some gesture from my children that wasn’t part of a class project, I wanted them to do what I always did — come up with something on their own, without being prompted.
But the problem was, I didn’t even know what it would be to satisfy that tug on my heart, and have I become my mom with an expectation? That thought horrified me.
I had to get curious. What makes me happy? “Does it sparks joy?” as my teacher Marie Kondo would say.
With a business I named “Simple Joy With Ann,” I started paying attention to the simple things that always make me happy:
A cup of oat chai latte.
A turmeric ginger one if I’m feeling fancy.
A bowl of ramen or wonton soup has never failed me.
That is my simple joy, my love language.
Then, a few years ago I started asking my boys for a one-on-one date to a restaurant or order in food that I love but may be new to them. This is not only a gift to my taste buds, it delights me when I can be part of them experiencing something they normally wouldn’t be open to.
This year, I requested they make me Bibimbap — a rice bowl topped with sautéed vegetables, marinated beef, a fried egg, and Korean hot sauce. They don’t realize that the real gift was me knowing they can find their way around a kitchen.
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Something else I've come to love — and often recommend to clients — is the experience gift to learn something new together.
One year, I landed on celebrating by taking a ceramics class with my son. We made bowls that we still use. Every time I set one on the table, I think of that afternoon.
That’s what I’m after, a memory that keeps showing up.
What I’ve learned through all of this is that those of us who have spent years putting everyone else first sometimes need to practice thinking about ourselves. And when we do, we give our families the opportunity to actually step up for us. They get to experience the joy of seeing us smile.
Also, the energy we spend hoping they’ll figure it out is energy we could spend getting honest with ourselves — so we can ask for what we actually need, want, and deserve.
I wish every mom a happy Mother’s Day — especially the ones who have spent years making it beautiful for everyone else.
Speaking of knowing what you want and asking for it,
I've posted a survey so I can offer more of the kind of support you need.
Just a few multiple choice questions, and it helps more than you know.
I'd really appreciate your input.
In case you missed it…
How I found peace in my kids' mess
This realization has changed my perspective on my kids' mess and forever changed my relationship with them.
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